my inner feelings

it felt like im down with an illness.
fully aware of my own condition.
knows the many medication & treatment available,
but i cant pop in those pills when im experiencing a seizure.

the seizure felt like i've been thrown in the sea, gasping for air.
i noe that i shldnt struggle there coz it will bring me further down.
but its a natural reaction. :(

excuses much? maybe.
im trying my best to make it all better, for the benefit of the future. insyaAllah!

Ya Allah, please make this easier for me. Only You can make something hard/ tough, easier.
from a humble slave of Yours.

dislike the acti0n n0t the pers0n

subhan'Allah! He had planned a good curriculum for me last wkend.

I have read & understood (well, slightly) the sentence "dislike the action not the person".
But, last weekend, He taught me the true meaning of it.

I have the tendency of simply avoiding contacts of people whom have hurted me emotionally, directly or indirectly. as much as possible, i would try to lessen the time i spent with 'em. klk theres a way out, i would calibut,sayonara, disappear there and then. maybe some of you may think that its a cowardly flight. well, you may be partly correct. but i was more concerned of not getting hurted again and of coz I wont want to blabber some hurtful words as my own defence.

ok anws to cut story short.

the person whom i dislike previously, happens to be the one who touched my heart. had a deep impact. the encouraging words & (something abt that incident) blows me away. somehow i felt loved by her. i felt that she cares.

seriously cares.

Dear Makcik, I thank you for the gestures! and encouragement.

a pot of tactful-ness

the mom is so tactful la...

I've received a cookware pot from the office lucky draw.
(but i had my eyes on the baking tray instead).

a coliq of mine gotten it and dont mind exchanging it with me.

I was contemplating if I shld exchange or just give the mom the pot.
I dont normally cook u see...

and so I called her...and asked.

her answer (which has been translated in broken english) " keep it. you might want to have it as a momento (to remind you- as in me- of the lucky draw)."

errr..is that indirectly telling me that she wants the pot?
so tactful..hee!!!

a safe place...

how does your safe place looks like?

mine.
surrounded with people.
not too crowded. everyone is just in "their own world", busy with their own thoughts.
walking slowly. admiring the scenary (garden) and breathing in the cool air.

no traffic (lights, human traffic, traffic jam, traffic police man)

thats my safe place.
SubhanAllah! is that 5% of what syurga is? or maybe its not even 1%.

Attitudes of Gratitude

Current Read: Attitudes if Gratitude
Author: M.J. Ryan

Sharing some points which I find interesting.

" Gratitude is stunningly simple. This is not to say, however that it is easy to practice"

"I say it is simple, but that doesnt mean that it is easy."
How true!! I tink i read alot of this in articles, website, books and self recite on own. But its much easier to do all those than to practice. Still trying...very hard (and diligently, at times)

"Focus on what is right in our lives, not what is missing"
This helps abit. A good start to be grateful. To find the true meaning of gratitude.

"Since gratitude is about an attitude and a practice, you will need time to integrate the learnings so that they can become truly yours"
=) loved this sentence. We cant just "swallow" what is being taught. and hopes that it will grow within us. all of us are unique in a way. we need to find a way that we are comfortable with. So there. I love you for understanding me, Ryan.

Lets (TRY) to cultivate this habit:
Every morning (preferably before we get out of bed OR before we start our work/ daily things), we shall try asking ourselves "What do I feel grateful about myself"
(in this way, we will get reminded of our strengths, resources and talents)

At the end of the day, we shall collate "information".
"What did I do today that I feel good about today?"

And whenever you feel that your energy is going down, ask "what do I feel grateful in this moment?"

"Gratitude widen our frame of vision"

I can totally relate to the below mentioned sentences. *gasps*
"I was convinced that if I were too happy, it would somehow hex the situation. If I got too happy e.g. about love, I wont worry sufficiently and therefore it would be taken away from me"

"I always wanted to be a saint. No room for mistakes. Be good (p.s: i have kinda summarized what she actually wrote on the book). Sainthood seems to fit the bill. Unfortunately, I kept slipping up. I would forget to make my bed or get jealous and then sink into despair, convinced that I am a total failure."
Her stand for the above " we simply dont believe that we're good enough as we are in our humble, human, imperfect state, and must therefore compensate by being Miss Perfect Goody-Two-Shoes.
MasyaAllah! I feel that way man. I can relate 100% relate!!!

and her stand about perfectionism is, its born of a sense of inadequacy, of lack. An act of gratitude counteracts it by tapping us into the experience of abundance.

Ok, thats the end of the points, as i have yet to finish reading the book. heh!
im less than half way through the book, yet I find alot of interesting points.
Nevertheless, you should try reading it. What i wrote above is just snippets of it and it doesnt justify the content.

Just a small note and reminder, take notes and try to practice what u jotted down.
If you fail while trying or fail to try for a slight moment, do not despair. Do not despair towards the mercy of Allah as well. MasyaAllah! For trying, we are gaining points, insyaAllah. =)

Salams and Loads of Love.

stereotyping

Subhan'Allah! Earlier i had written like a whole paragraph about my thoughts and views about stereotyping.
and i started amending the font and the size. While I was at it, the emotions started to take a "twirl" (to be frank, i was getting emotionally "involved" while typing earlier on). AND AND guess what, the whole paragraph miracously just disappeared (ok, maybe i was careless and clicked the wrong button). Nevertheless, it just dawned on me that maybe that was good anyways as I was taking my thoughts too personally.
I juz wanna voice out my thoughts and views but not get too emotionally and/or sensitive abt the whole issue.
So here's to a fresher, better mood/ entry. Bismillahnirrahman nirrahim (Atas nama Allah yg pengasih dan penyanyang).

========End of Introduction=============

Stereotyping. How often do we stereotype and we being stereotyped. Maybe we stereotype ourselves as well.
Matter of fact, we do know that its not supposed to be that way. Human Nature. sometimes we slip. we forgot that we are not supposed to.

Someone who holds a managerial post. he/she is not supposed to make any mistakes or fumble on his/her daily work.
One who dons on the hijab or who attends the weekly religious class, is supposed to practice what he/she have learnt constantly. and if they found to do the exact opposite....hmmmmm....
One who attends classes or reads a book on self improvement/ help, should be able to withstand any hurdles that comes by. supposedly to have the tools, so just use it (ouh well, dats the thought).

(hhmmm, ok now i do wonder if the title stereotyping is suitable for the entry. ok, nvm i shall continue with the story)

It really bothers me by the fact that we have alot of "we shoulds". Have it been implanted to us even before we were born? Human Nature, really? or is it something that was cultivated in us since young, and we kept "watering the plantation" that now its becoming a dense forest with the "we shoulds" trees.

We should (oops! we should again..heee!), ok what i meant to say is, we should try to change our mindset. if we fail to change our mindset, its ok, try again.
its just like the "someones" i refer to the above examples, Im pretty sure that they are trying their best to adjust or be the best that they can. We are humans afterall. Give them space. Give ourselves space.

Stereotyping. Since its like a second nature to (some of ) us, we can begin by stereotyping all as "Humans. Who are bound to make mistakes." =)

seeking His guidance

"We have veiled their hearts and
sealed their ears so that they cannot understand.
even if you call them to the right path,
they will never accept
guidance"

(Al-Quran. The Cave 18:57)

Dear Allah, please provide
us with Your guidance.Do not let us be like them.Amin!

I wanna publish a Book

Some of us have the tendancy of thinking too deep on a simple issue.
e.g. someone acts indifferent towards you. and you think "why he/she reacts that way to u"

and so i want to write a book. on how to stop thinking too much/ deep into it.
a simple book for the hard core mind.

Page 0ne
"u shldnt have thoughts of reading this book anyways"

Page Two
"The End"

my needs

need to start my excercise regime again. been slacking since.....(ouh dear!) July.
thats 4mths!!!!
ok, bye!

departure of my hamsters

the youngest sis just texted me that another one of our hamster has died.
earlier this year, the most active hamster, Junior also passed away.

They were both 3yrs plus old.

came to realize that eversince Sabrina (the hamster that I adored/ love so much.) died, i no longer am attached to any other hamsters that we owned.

stroking her. playing with her. talking to her at night (maybe I did?).

the day that I wont forget is when we sent her to the vet, while waiting for our turn, she pooped on my hands. and her poo is green. she was critically ill then.
subconsciously, i have decided that i do not want to go through the feeling of lost.
the day she died, i was at work. lucky for me, that day i was seated at my coliq's seat. hence no one saw my tears.

adik brought Junior home soon after. and even asked me to named her.
come to think of it, i think adik thought that Junior might replace Sab. Maybe it did lessen adik's pain. but for me, i was adamant not to go thru this again.

To my 2 lovely hamster (Junior and Hitam) whom I seldom spend time with. deep dwn inside I do love the both of you. I wished I had build an affection towards the both of you. but i wasnt ready then.
now, i do wonder if that was the best decision. coz instead of crying my hearts out of your departures now, i am feeling guilty.

tick tick toocck!

its been 26 days since Steve Jobs passed away.

8 months since the biggest Tsunami hits Japan.

9 years since the 2002 Bali Bombing.

how time flies. so fast.
reflecting back, it scares me abit.
time, precious time. how fast it just slips away from me.
how I allow it to just be wasted just like that.

been nearly a year since I blogged.
reading back the entries, it just set me thinking.
I wont dare to say that I have made full use of the time He have given to me.
Neither do I want to say that I have not done anything at all.

Time ouhh precious time!
anws, its quite good hah, having a blog/ diary, somehow u tend to recall back the past.

and see how far and how much you have learnt..abt yourself, others and things ard u.

in case any of you is wondering about about my anxiety...its still with me.
sometimes, somethings are better off to be accepted as it is. nope, not that i have decided to let it be.
and live in horror everyday, pondering about whatever nots.
I have learnt to do more readings about it. And, Masya'Allah He showed me more than ways to accept "the flaws".
I have learnt more about others too (not anxiety).
there's a reason as to why He put me through this. And whatever you are going thru right now, He will show you the way out.

Hah! if you talking about your faith and beliefs in Him.

How the faith decides to go on a "singapore flyer" tour. Keep a lookout for my entry ya.
coz i believe i will blog abt it soon (insyaAllah). cause, i was at the entrance of the "s'pore flyer capsule" just few hours back.
Not that I have the remedy for it, I just wanna share. and say "weii, u are not alone man. you are normal. cause I hope to think that i am normal too."

ok, lets stop here. and re-read my entry before publishing.
i have the tendency of repeating a word often. :)